The 8 Steps That Helped Me Recover from Bulimia Nervosa
We’re nearing the end of 2020, and by the end of this year I will officially be bulimia-free for 2.5 years. It might not sound like very long to you, but I am proud of this little achievement of mine nonetheless, especially considering the fact that I was bulimic for a good 13 good years.
I am not going to go through what happened during those 13 years or how it all started, but instead I just wanted to share all the things that have worked for me to finally achieve full recovery.
I am fully aware that the things I did may not work for everybody, but I hope I can inspire and encourage at least one person out there to recover from this terrible and life-wrecking illness.
Here are the 8 major steps that helped me recover from bulimia:
1. Acknowledge that bulimia is a problem, and a HUGE one
For the longest time I thought that I could get away with being bulimic and use it as a way to not gain weight. I convinced myself that it was the only way I could get the body I want, and hence the only way I could be happy.
It took my being severely dehydrated and having two massively swollen saliva glands to realize that being bulimic was not the way to live. I realized how miserable I was and I decided to start trying to fix it, even though I was scared.
It doesn’t mean that I did it right away, but just acknowledging that bulimia is a HUGE issue for my health and the quality of my life in general was a huge step toward my recovery.
I continued being bulimic for a good 5 years before stopping completely. Later on, as I had more time to contemplate on the long list of ways being bulimic has ruined my life.
My realizations helped me become more determined to end that vicious cycle that robs me of my life once and for all.
It’s a long journey, but as the proverb says “the journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step”.
2. Disclose your problem to someone you trust
One of the best things I’ve done throughout my recovery journey was to tell my boyfriend the truth. We lived together back then, and not only it really cleared the air on why I kept saying no to going out with him and his friends or why I always spent so much time “showering,” it also helped me stay accountable.
Know that even someone who loves you won’t necessarily understand what you’re going through. Bulimia, like other eating disorders or mental disorders, is the kind of thing that you won’t really understand unless you’ve been through it.
My boyfriend took it pretty hard and was heartbroken, because from his point of view he thought that I was unhappy despite everything going well in our relationship.
Adjust your expectations and give time for others to understand. They’re there to give support, not fix your problem. Only you can do that.
While I was unhappy at first with the way he reacted to my confession, over time he started to understand better and his concern and love for me motivated me to get better.
3. Seek professional help
If it’s available to you, professional help can be a game changer. I have to admit though, it was no easy task, especially living in Asia. In my native city of 20 million people, I could only find ONE clinic that specializes in eating disorders. Imagine that!
I tried going to doctors and psychiatrists before that and a lot of them didn’t even understand what bulimia is. I had one doctor that blatantly “advised” me “Why don’t you just stop throwing up?” as I laid in the hospital bed, severely dehydrated and with lethally low blood sugar level.
Despite all these bad experiences, I am glad that I took the effort to find the help I needed and I am forever grateful to the sweet psychologist lady that I found at the eating disorder clinic.
Even though I could only afford a few sessions with her she gave me a lot of tools for coping that I still use to this date.
So if you can get professional help, by all means do so! But again, adjust your expectations and go easy, because finding one that really “clicks” may take time.
If professional help is not available to you I also find it helpful to join online communities. It’s always refreshing to hear other people’s stories and know that you’re not alone, and they might give you a useful tip or two.
4. Find a motivation that works for you
My relationship with the lady at the eating disorder clinic was short-lived. Around that time my boyfriend and I decided to move to a different city where I could find ZERO professionals specializing in eating disorders (or zero that I could afford anyway).
My recovery efforts went very up and down from that point forward.
At one point I got very skinny from over exercising and throwing up everything that goes into my mouth. Then my throat started to swell, I couldn’t throw up but continued bingeing, and I gained every kilo I lost and more, ending up heavier than before.
My days felt cloudy. I was always in a bad mood. I refused to go out and see people because I felt too fat. I always tell myself that I need to throw up more. Then the next day I feel bad about not following through on my recovery plan and just beat myself up about that.
The vicious cycle continued for about another 3 years. It wasn’t until I started going to the gym again that I started to realize how I was in a really bad shape.
I discovered CrossFit in 2018, and started taking classes hoping to lose weight. My competitive self quickly felt challenged to pick on heavier weights and performed more difficult exercises. However, as the bulimic that I was, I was always dehydrated, dizzy, and nauseous.
I realized that the only way I could perform better at classes was to nourish myself properly. That means no more binge eating and throwing up. And I did just that. After a few months THINKING about stopping, I finally stopped binge eating and throwing up. Cold turkey.
To be clear, I am NOT suggesting everyone out there that CrossFit will save you from bulimia or that the best way to recover is to do sports.
For me what really motivated me to recover it was a combination of my love for my boyfriend, my desire to finally feel healthy, and my wish to do better at CrossFit. It could be other types of exercises. It could simply be a desire to do better at work. It could be wanting to have a family (imagine raising kids while being bulimic? Sounds like a recipe for disaster).
My point is that if you find a strong enough motivation and with enough willpower you WILL make it.
5. Educate yourself about recovering from bulimia
One of the reasons many people are afraid to even consider recovering from bulimia is the thought that they would pork up and become a giant ball, and that their metabolic system is broken.
Well, you won’t pork up. Not if you’re being mindful. And no. Your metabolic system might be affected but it’s much more powerful than you think. It is completely able to heal itself, if treated with respect.
For sure you will gain weight, especially water weight. Also managing your weight shouldn’t be your priority at all. After all, you’re supposed to be moving away from obsessing with your weight and body image which is one of the key ingredients your disorder feeds from.
Instead of focusing on the weight that you will gain, think of it from a new perspective. Say to yourself “I am nourishing my body properly. I am being kind to my body.”
Note that I wrote “nourishing my body properly” which means you should focus on eating wholesome and nutritious food.
Also, if you usually count calories it’s a good idea to stop doing that entirely and learn to eat intuitively.
At the end of the day, trust that your body knows what it needs, and learn to listen to it. You will do just fine and you will thank yourself later for taking the right step toward healing your body.
6. Know that failure happens, and don’t beat yourself up
The road to recovery is almost always not smooth. Especially if you’re just starting out, you will likely feel strong urges to get back into your bingeing and purging cycle. And once in a while, you would want to give in. And once in a while you will.
I might be saying that I’ve recovered for 2.5 years, but the truth is I have had a few slips the first year.
What made a huge difference was the fact that I was able to stop myself in the middle, forgive myself for doing it, and move forward. I didn’t beat myself up, no matter how much I wanted to. I just knew that doing that wouldn’t get me anywhere near to my goal which is detaching myself from this “bulimic identity” altogether.
I am grateful that my effort has paid off. I am at least 1.5 years completely clean from any bulimic episodes.
Do I still get urges? Yes. Definitely. But with practice I have gotten a lot better at managing them. As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.”
7. Recognize what triggers you
Another crucial step is to learn what triggers you. I could only fully start paying attention a few months after I fully committed to my recovery. The first few months I was busy trying to manage my thoughts and not to think about it too much, because it would only stress me out.
Once I started to feel more in control of my thoughts, I was finally able to sit down and made a list of the things that trigger bulimic episodes for me. The list added up over time.
For instance, one of the things from my list was “being alone in my room”. Yes, as simple as that. So to deal with it, I tried to be more social and go out more often.
When I had to be alone, because after all it’s inevitable, I would plan a physical activity that keeps me busy like cleaning, exercising, or playing a video game. Calm activities like reading and watching a movie weren’t engaging enough for me. I had to be physically active.
Another thing I noticed was that I was more prone to get urges if I do not work out in the morning. I still can’t figure out why, but that was the case, so would “force” myself to drag my ass to the gym before starting my day, as opposed to going in the afternoon.
The list went on. This is just an example, but the point is you need to learn what triggers you and develop your own strategy for dealing with them.
Don’t expect to figure it all out overnight though.
Learning about yourself is a lifetime subject. Go slow and steady, and your efforts will pay off.
8. Learn to love yourself as who you are, not who you should be
The final step. The simplest yet might be the hardest. For many people, bulimic or not, self-love is a lost art. What it means to love one’s self might be one of the toughest questions to answer too. But you can just start by trying to be kinder to yourself and push yourself too much.
For me it helped me to visualize that I’m dealing with a “bulimic friend” whom I love. Then I asked myself this questions:
How would you speak to your friend?
What would you say when your friend is down?
If your friend is having a bad day what would you do to cheer them up?
If your friend relapses, what would you say or do to help them get back on track?
Will you be angry at your friend if they relapse, or would you say something nice and supportive?
The list goes on, but I hope you get the gist of it. Bulimia is often accompanied by self hate, regrets, self punishment, and so on. It is important that you rebuild your relationship with yourself, as you would with a friend that you love.
I am no way close to mastering self love. But I can tell you, even just with being kinder to myself I am now able to see the world in a different lens. I used to feel like the world is my enemy, that the sky is ready to fall on me anytime.
I wasn’t able to see the beauty of the world. I would travel around the world and instead of enjoying what I see, I would only think about what I just ate and how I should throw it up.
Conclusion
Recovering from bulimia might just be the single kindest thing I’ve ever done to myself, and probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. One that I hope would inspire many others to do the same.
I’m by no means an expert, but if you have any questions or simply want to share your story for support please feel free to comment below our or reach out to stellarlifeinthemaking@gmail.com.
Hope to hear from you.
